There are some losses that quietly divide your life into “before” and “after.” Grieving your mother is one of them.
This isn’t only true for women, it’s also true for men.
Even if your relationship with your mother was complicated. Even if she was elderly. Even if you knew the loss was coming. There is still something deeply unsettling about realizing the woman who carried your history, your childhood memories, your family stories, and pieces of your identity is no longer here.
You know, people often expect grief to look dramatic.
But sometimes it looks ordinary. Grieving your mother is a journey that “pokes” you time after time.
The way that annoying kid used to poke you on the playground in fourth grade.
It is relentless.
You go to call her and remember you cannot.
You see something funny at the store and instinctively think, “Mom would have liked this.”
You realize no one else remembers the details she remembered. That’s where I am now.
And suddenly the world feels quieter.
A Blessing Wrapped in a Trial
About four months after my mom passed, something happened that many people thought was just cruel. I was laid off from my dream job.
Well, I kind of saw it coming because I created a training plan that the government could execute without me. Honey, they did too!
The funny thing is, it wasn’t a great business decision to hire me in the first place.
The government agency I was hired to develop a training program for already had a training staff. They really didn’t need me.
Crazy.
That’s neither here nor there. I just wanted to give you a little context.
Anyway, I was laid off and in deep grief when I learned that my older brother had been diagnosed with cancer. I mean the kind of cancer that meant he had weeks. He felt so bad and kept apologizing, saying he was sorry for adding to my grief. That’s the kind of guy he was.
Grieving your mother is hard, but grieving her as your brother was dying was devastating.
Nevertheless, because I was not working, I was able to spend all my time with him. Even until his last breath on this earth, I was near.
That was a gift.
Has the Lord ever given you a gift that seemed like a trial before? I thought my trial was grieving mommy and losing my job.
But losing my job while grieving was the greatest blessing I could’ve ever had!
REPROGRAMMING my life
Once I had healed a bit from all this pain, God gave me the new position.
I loved the new place!
I cannot tell you how excited I was because there are no words to describe it.
Sure, the pain was still there. Grieving, your mother doesn’t go away.
But, it was really good to get back to some semblance of a normal person.
Even so, I soon learned that leaving it was one of the most depressing things I could do each day.
As long as I can remember, when my mother was alive and well, I would call her on my way home from work.
It was our tradition.
The funny thing is, even when she got sick and I would leave work, I would head straight to her.
Even though I couldn’t call her, I would be with her within an hour of leaving my office.
But driving home in this season, I don’t have her to call. I can’t tell her about her day or chuckle a little about hers.
It has been absolutely excruciating.
Between you and me, I cried every day on my way home for the first two months or so.
For a while, I tried to call other people, like a girlfriend or my oldest son.
It wasn’t the same.
Those are the things about grieving your mother that people do not talk about. Those little disruptions that occur throughout your new normal.
Actually, I hate that term “new normal.” I think it should be called the “normal that has been forced upon you.”
What is a “New NormaL?”
I think one of the hardest parts of grieving your mother is that life (like my driving home) keeps moving even as part of you feels emotionally frozen.
You still go to work.
You still answer texts.
You still make dinner.
But internally, something feels different. It feels “forever” different.
Sometimes you do not even realize you are doing those things.
Grieving your mother can put you in a fog.
That part can surprise people.
Grief is not only sadness.
It can affect your confidence, concentration, energy, motivation, and even your sense of identity. Some women become more anxious.
I don’t hesitate to say that I have felt lost without my mother. Even in my 50s, I still feel as lost as I would in Kmart when I wandered away from her as a little girl.
Do you remember Kmart? Blue light special.
Anyway.
That was my way of dealing with it.
I walked around like a robot.
Others become emotionally numb.
Some pull away socially because they are tired of pretending they are “doing better.”
Even faith-filled women struggle with this.
The Bible never teaches us to ignore grief. In fact, scripture is full of people mourning deeply. Jesus Himself wept. John 11:35 on BibleGateway
That matters.
Sometimes Christian women feel pressure to “move on quickly” because they believe strong faith means never struggling emotionally.
But grief does not mean you lack faith. It means you loved someone deeply. I think it means you’re not afraid to express that laugh after they’re gone.
I have also learned that grieving your mother can bring unexpected emotions to the surface.
Regret.
Guilt.
Relief after caregiving exhaustion.
Loneliness.
Fear about your own aging.
Questions about family relationships.
And sometimes anger that life changed so suddenly.
All of those emotions can exist at the same time.
I regret I didn’t take her on more trips.
I feel guilty that I wasn’t able to be with her even more –even though I was with her more than I was anywhere else. I took amazing care of her. Still, I wish I could have done more.
I do feel grateful that I am no longer a caregiver–that makes me feel guilty too. Caregiving was the hardest thing I’d ever done. That’s when you actually start grieving. I was losing my mom day by day – but could not grieve because she needed me.
So wild.
I am extremely lonely without her. Nothing has filled that void. Not my husband, not my children, and not my friends
And then I do have the same fears everyone else has. I fear that I will one day develop the illness my mother had. Who will care for me the way I care for her?
So many thoughts come to mind when you’re grieving your mother.
Here is what has helped me…
One thing that helped me was understanding that healing does not always mean “getting over it.” Sometimes healing means learning how to carry the loss differently. The pain may soften, but love does not disappear.
That is why small things matter during grief.
Taking walks.
Talking honestly with safe people.
Praying simple prayers when you cannot find big spiritual words.
Letting yourself rest.
Looking through old photos when you are ready.
Laughing again without guilt.
You are still allowed to live.
And eventually, many women realize something else: grief changes you, but it can also deepen you.
Do you know what I mean?
It can make you more compassionate, more reflective, more aware of what truly matters.
Not overnight.
Not easily.
But gradually.
And if you feel emotionally exhausted, spiritually drained, or unlike yourself lately, you are not failing.
You are grieving.
Psalm 34:18 on BibleGateway says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Sometimes that closeness is not loud or dramatic.
Sometimes it simply looks like making it through another difficult day and realizing God stayed with you through all of it.
Will I ever be the same?
No. I never will. The funny thing about grieving your mother is that you also grieve who you were and what life was like when she was here.
I feel my identity has shifted.
I’m no longer the “me” I was when she was here.
Truthfully, I don’t even find pleasure in things I did before.
Things she and I did together now make me cry.
Church is even different. I miss her.
Sure, I still go, and I love my church family – but it’s different.
Saturdays are not the same without her. They are lonely and dull. That was the day she and I hit the streets to shop or eat bad food – that tasted good.
I need to figure out who I am now without her. Who do I want to be?
My Advice to You if You’re Grieving Your Mother
I do not pretend to have all the answers, but I can tell you some of the things I have learned.
It’s only been about 2 1/2 years at this point, but I’ve learned some valuable lessons.
I am a strong Christian woman. I am strong in my faith and I have walk with the Lord over 30 years.
Even so, grief has transformed into depression, and I am still a strong Christian woman.
Another reality is that even though I know where my mother is, I still struggle with her not being here with me.
You know what? I am still a strong Christian woman.
Just know that grieving does not make you a weak person. It is also possible grief can morph into depression as it has done with me, and I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with it. I believe it is just something you have to treat and heal from.
And you are still a strong Christian woman.
My advice to you is to stop thinking that you’re not a strong Christian because you feel grief, pain, or even struggle. You are!
I also advise you to find a safe group of people who understand what you’re going through. I like GriefShare, and I was able to do it online.
One day, I hope to be a grief share facilitator.
Here is more advice:
If you are grieving your mother right now:
–Give yourself space to feel what you feel. Don’t get into a dark place, but just feel whatever your body processes you through. Many times, you’re grieving other things you didn’t allow yourself to grieve before. Just feel what comes and manage it.
–Give yourself permission to stop measuring your healing against other people’s expectations. Some days will feel normal. Other days will hit unexpectedly hard. Both are part of the process.
– Give yourself the same grace the Lord Jesus gives you. Love yourself enough to be vulnerable and face the grief.
My final piece of advice is not to let other people dictate how you grieve.
Folks always have something to say about what others do.
They aren’t walking in your shoes.
Only a mental health professional who understands the brain and nervous system should be considered.
Otherwise, ignore their opinions and don’t feel guilty for grieving over loved ones.
Who cares what they think unless they are a mental health professional who understands how the brain and nervous system work? Otherwise, don’t listen to them and don’t feel guilty for grieving over loved ones.
That’s all I have to say …
With that, I pray you have been encouraged. I pray you have felt validated.
You know, before I go, I want to share that I visited my mother’s grave for the first time. It took two years, but I did it.
I mainly did it to make sure everything on the headstone was right.
I get no comfort from going to grave sites.
It’s okay if you do, but I do not.
Will I go again? Definitely. I will go to honor her with flowers.
This was a huge milestone for me. There will be others.
I praise God for the strength to go and for the cousins who took me.
Most of all, I praise Him for moving me forward. Maybe it is at a snail’s pace, but I am moving forward.
