Why should I wait to have sex?
This is a question people have asked from the beginning of time.
OK, this is going to be one of this “eye roll” blog posts.
Anytime I blog about God’s standard of waiting for marriage, I get blasted on social media or via email. Oh well.
But, here it is: sex is to be reserved for marriage.
Period. So, for those wondering Why should I wait to have sex?, here is my answer – no… actually, not mine, but God’s.
Yeah, some will definitely roll their eyes at the concept of waiting to have sex.
Others will unsubscribe from my Christian woman’s blog and that’s all OK. Honestly, I’ll be unaffected by either.
Christian purity is a subject we don’t like to discuss. Wonder why that is. Maybe, it’s because it is so difficult to adhere to. Perhaps, that’s why we don’t discuss it enough.
That’s stupid. Since so many people (even in Christian leadership) struggle with sexual purity, that means we should talk about it often instead of burying our heads in the sand.
Nevertheless, church people are all “hush hush” about these topics.
This really bugs me because it leads young or new Christians to think abstinence simply doesn’t work or no one practices it. Ever.
I’m proof it can work, if we rely on God to give us strength and we employ a little common sense to boot.
Let me begin with my personal struggle to remain sexually pure as a single woman myself. At one time, even I, too, wondered ‘Why should I wait to have sex’?
It was back when I was a very young, single person divorcee (do people still say “divorce?).
Anyhoo, back to the subject.
I was not a virgin before I married. Random, but important note.
My first marriage dissolved after 3 years. There I was left alone with little money, no education and a very pretty face. A dangerous combo.
The most precious product of that marriage was my beautiful newborn baby boy. As his mom, I knew I wanted to be a good example for him.
I was already a statistic as an African American single mom, but I didn’t want to raise him to be one too.
You know all the stereotypes Black men battle. In order for him to be different, I was smart enough to know I had to raise him intentionally to be different.
I wanted him to fall in love with Jesus for himself, work hard and live a life of integrity. That also included waiting until he was married to have children. For all this to happen, I needed to give him a role model. I needed to be that role model myself.
That’s what I wanted….
But, the truth is I was so young and had no clue what I was doing!
A part of me wanted to be this great Christian mom, but another part wanted to experience all the things my conservative – no, strict – C.O.G.I.C. kept from me. As a result, it didn’t take long for me to visit night clubs, date a famous, wealthy man and fall into all things “stupid”.
I was a silly Christian…not following the instruction book
Although I was a Christian, I was not Christ-focused nor was I spiritually mature.
Like most girls my age, I was driven by what I thought I wanted and all those fairy tales portrayed in great songs and popular television shows.
That’s why I thought I needed a tall, gorgeous successful man to complete me.
This faulty ideology crippled my perception of life, so, I fell into several emotional traps and into just as many beds.
Yes, I said it. I fell into sex with the men I dated (long term).
Chipped away my innocence….little by little
Each time, it secretly injured something inside me. I knew it was wrong and I knew I was settling for less than I deserved. It even felt a little dirty even though I loved them.
Like many 20 and 30-somethings, I mistook sexual relations for love. It wasn’t really love. It was lust – on both sides.
Eventually, I learned that some men can have intercourse with a can of soup, but that doesn’t mean they love it or want to marry it. Take note, baby.
They were not good for me…
After a few years, I learned that a good man would not treat me that way and I began a commitment to a consistent life of abstinence.
This means I was determined to wait for the man God had for me – no matter what and no matter how long I had to wait.
Bottom line: until he and I married, I would not surrender my intimate moments.
Girl, so many of my friends thought I had lost my mind. I’d hear comments like “You better get used to being alone, Honey”. The worst were the jokes blaming everything from my headache to my forgetfulness to me not “getting some”.
Still, I knew I was doing the right thing. It was God’s way. How could it be wrong?
My desire to please Him was more important than my desire to be held or caressed by a gorgeous boyfriend.
Before you roll your eyes, let me tell you my life was not perfect, my choices were not flawless. It was a process. But, I put my life on track with God’s help and a good Christian brother. Let me tell you about him!
He so helped me…
I was already committed to abstinence and purity when I met a great Christian guy.
In fact, I had been living pure for years. But, he had a significant perspective that strengthened my commitment to purity even more. That’s what dating a Christian man should do – it should build you up spiritually, not compromise you physically or emotionally.
Let me begin by telling you, he was gorgeous, saved and he loved me very much.
One day we were chatting about his decision to reserve his intimate moments, like kissing, for the woman he would marry.
Let me re-phrase that: the woman he did actually marry one day. Some folks jump the gun and engage in behavior reserved for marriage because they “intend” to marry. Not the same.
He explained he came to this decision when he heard of a couple who abstained from sex -and even their first kiss – until their wedding day.
That’s so cool!
Imagine that! They had their first kiss on their wedding day.
I was mesmerized and energized!
My heart beat faster and faster as I mentally conceptualized a pure, holy love such as he described. It made me want that same memory with the man I would marry – our first kiss at our wedding.You will feel safe dating a Christian committed to abstinence -emotionally safe, spiritually safe and physically safe. #Godsway is best. Click To Tweet
At the time, I wasn’t sure whether or not this great guy would be my husband. We talked about it often. But, I wasn’t sure and neither was he. We simply hadn’t heard from God yet.
Safety in God’s way…
Still, I felt very safe dating him. I knew I was respected and he valued me as a Christian and as a woman. To this day, I’m so glad that I met him while I was still young so I could make good decisions regarding my mental, spiritual, and physical health.
You guessed it.
All this impact that boyfriend had on me and he was not to be my husband. No regrets! He married a wonderful woman of God and I married an amazing man. Guess what! My husband, John, and I did have our first kiss on our wedding day! Woohoo!
I can’t tell you how much of a blessing it was to date a man like (that boyfriend) who cared enough to respect me. I think that’s why God brought him into my life for that season.
Take note: every man is not your future husband. God does bring some guys to you for a reason – just like this man was in my life for a very specific reason.
Besides, it’s just dangerous sleeping with everyone!
Sex before marriage is dangerous. It’s that simple and that statement should not surprise you at all .
It links you to a person emotionally and mentally without a guarantee of commitment.
Doing so also robs you of spiritual peace to some degree.
Sure, a man may say “I’ll never leave you, I love you. But, it’s a whole different thing when they sign a legal document promising to do so.
The paper matters.
That’s why people have warranties and contracts (which derived from spiritual covenants). It’s something about “that piece of paper”.
What if you purchased a new car and the dealer said “No need for me to sign anything. Trust me. I promise to fix your car if something goes wrong”. You’d want to slap him and then you’d find another car dealer licked split!
Here’s another example: what if your insurance company gave you no paperwork, just a verbal promise? Get outta here! You wouldn’t have it!
As crazy as that sounds, women give people something so much more precious than a car to men without the “promise” or a perception of valid commitment.
That’s just crazy. I don’t care if you’re engaged. Stay pure; you’re not married yet.
Marriage is more than a “piece of paper” anyway; it’s obedience to God’s word, a commitment to His law. Never reduce it to just “a piece of paper”.
Don’t listen to those fools!
Do not let society cheapen sex with its love songs, sexual innuendos, and disregard for marriage and commitment.
Marriage and intimacy is a “God thing”. It’s sacred.
As Jesus provided for me as a spiritual Husband during my single days, as He loved me through my hard times and fellowshipped with me in prayer, marriage became something less consuming. It stopped being so important to me.
I felt Him and His presence in such a real way. I felt complete. I didn’t chase men, pressure them or even coax them toward marriage. I was content and it was all because I grew closer to the Lord in regular prayer time, reading my Bible daily and growing in His ways.
The world thinks sex “whenever you want it” is necessary and smart. It’s foolishness to God. It’s not good for you.
What about the urges?
Coming to really know God helped me weigh out what was important – urges or peace. Differentiating between the two helped with the urges. The mind trumped the body. The spirit trumped them both. Check out what the Bible says about sex before marriage.
Anyway, we have “urges” for a lot of things, that doesn’t mean we satisfy them. I control the urges; they don’t control me. An unsatisfied urge will to NOT kill you. Instead, I think it builds spiritual muscles of perseverance.
If you – like me – tried to do things your own way, know that God is a Restorer. He really does forgive and gives us all fresh mercies everyday. Don’t feel bad. Don’t feel condemned. He never brings condemnation. If you do feel that way, know it is NOT from God.
Just repent (change your path) and make a fresh start.
The point of it all
In the end, stop giving your body away and excusing it by saying “God knows my heart” or by relying on His grace.
He has expectations of you, just like a parent has expectations of a child.
Read your Bible and you’ll see. Start with Ephesians and commit to His will and not the will of that man.
You’ll also learn in scripture that He provides you with ways to escape temptation.
As I mentioned, today I’m married to a wonderful, loving man who was worth the wait.
My son is in his mid-twenties and pursuing his Master’s degree. He is child-free and lives a life of Biblical integrity.
His entire life he has heard me say: “live a life of integrity and don’t bring no shame on our family”. But, it goes deeper than that.
We can’t bring shame on the Kingdom of God either. The world already thinks we are weak and fake. Don’t prove them right by living a raggedy life of habitual sin.
Tap into the spiritual power of the Holy Spirit and live victorious. I’m proof it works.
Sure, I’m glad I got the man, but I’m more glad I was obedient to my God. The man was just extra.
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